How to Survive Caring for an Elderly Family Member

In the Houston area a video showing a caregiver abusing her elderly charge recently went viral. The woman in the video was arrested and charged with elder abuse, a felony in Texas. One good thing to come out of watching that video is that I realized I never actually spoke about the best ways to survive caring for your loved one. I hope that the stories I tell you are read in the way in which I intend them - with a sense of humor. I love my mother-in-law and with all close members of your family, sometimes they do things that just drive you nuts! This particular blog is full of funny stories and encounters that I know other caregivers/sitters/sons and daughters-in-law can relate to. That's all.

That being said...

The decision to care for a parent is never taken lightly. We tried to pawn ours off on other family members first but there were no takers. So she's ours! (See, a joke!) But seriously, both partners/all family members need to be onboard because it can be very stressful at times. You're talking about combining households and bridging generational gaps; not an easy feat. So it's important to always keep your sense of humor. Let's make that rule #1.

1. Keep your sense of humor. And if you don't have one, find one. Pronto.

2. Make time for yourself. It's impossible to be at your best all the time. Take time to recharge, either by yourself if you're going at this alone or as a couple/family unit. You need to remember why you decided to take on this responsibility and that can be difficult when you're in the thick of it. Dinner? Movie? Concert? Play date? Nap? Long bath? Can a neighbor or family member check in on your elderly parent? Or take them out for an afternoon? Whatever arrangements you can make, make them and take some time to get your head straight.

3. It is ok to be emotional. Be mad, sad, upset, happy, closer together, further apart, or even feel grief. Your relationship is not the same as it was when you were younger, especially if you have a parent suffering from dementia, Alzheimer's disease, or physical impairments. Find someone to talk to, write it out (hello!), sing it out, and cry it out.

4. Know your limits. You cannot do everything yourself. There may (and may not) come a point in time when you need to consider either in home care or a nursing facility. Even your parent would agree that you need to take care of yourself and your family first. You cannot spread yourself so thin that you're not taking the time you need to keep yourself well. Or you start neglecting your spouse or children. Maybe it's possible to share the responsibilities with your siblings. If it is, do it! I have heard stories of this working out wonderfully. Your parent(s) get to visit all the kids and grandkids (great-grandkids?) all year round and you get a break part of the year. But don't take on more than your lifestyle can handle. Everyone will suffer for it.

5. Don't hit old people. Don't steal their money. No mental, psychological, or sexual abuse either. It does happen. Report people who do it, even if you like them.

6. Money. No one wants to feel like they are taking advantage of their parent(s). The fact is, it can be expensive taking on the care of a loved one. Have a talk about what (if any) financial contribution is going to be given if your parent is moving in with you. Helping out with groceries? Helping out with rent? Only responsible for their own expenses? It's not an unreasonable request. What is unreasonable is asking you to foot the bill for every single thing. You may have the best of hearts, but your pockets are only so deep. 

7. The official stuff. It's a good idea to take care of the official paperwork as soon as you can. Pick a responsible sibling (sorry only children) and start the ball rolling on Power of Attorney (financial and durable), Do not Resuscitate, Living Will, official Will, any Trusts, properties, stocks, bonds... Some of these things will need to be notarized and a Notary will not sign them once it is obvious that a person is not capable of signing for themselves. It does not matter if you have their best interests at heart. It's the law.

8. Create a support system. It takes a village to raise a family, right? Well it also takes one to care for your parents. The village will be there at the beginning of your life and at the end. Never feel like you are alone. Whether you are dealing with Alzheimer's disease, physical disabilities, a long list of medications, incontinence, diabetes, AS, MS, or a host of other ailments, there are many other people out there going through similar situations. And they are willing to share stories and advice with you. So take notes.

9. Be prepared for the role reversal. As your parent ages things are going to change. They are not going to be as capable of doing the things they were once able to do. There will come a point in time you will have to take the car keys away, set up a safer way to take showers/baths, monitor meals and snacks, make sure medications are being taken, keep activities going (mental and physical), keep all doctor appointments, and a slew of other things that come with increasing age. 

10. Did you keep your sense of humor?