How to Survive Caring for an Elderly Family Member

In the Houston area a video showing a caregiver abusing her elderly charge recently went viral. The woman in the video was arrested and charged with elder abuse, a felony in Texas. One good thing to come out of watching that video is that I realized I never actually spoke about the best ways to survive caring for your loved one. I hope that the stories I tell you are read in the way in which I intend them - with a sense of humor. I love my mother-in-law and with all close members of your family, sometimes they do things that just drive you nuts! This particular blog is full of funny stories and encounters that I know other caregivers/sitters/sons and daughters-in-law can relate to. That's all.

That being said...

The decision to care for a parent is never taken lightly. We tried to pawn ours off on other family members first but there were no takers. So she's ours! (See, a joke!) But seriously, both partners/all family members need to be onboard because it can be very stressful at times. You're talking about combining households and bridging generational gaps; not an easy feat. So it's important to always keep your sense of humor. Let's make that rule #1.

1. Keep your sense of humor. And if you don't have one, find one. Pronto.

2. Make time for yourself. It's impossible to be at your best all the time. Take time to recharge, either by yourself if you're going at this alone or as a couple/family unit. You need to remember why you decided to take on this responsibility and that can be difficult when you're in the thick of it. Dinner? Movie? Concert? Play date? Nap? Long bath? Can a neighbor or family member check in on your elderly parent? Or take them out for an afternoon? Whatever arrangements you can make, make them and take some time to get your head straight.

3. It is ok to be emotional. Be mad, sad, upset, happy, closer together, further apart, or even feel grief. Your relationship is not the same as it was when you were younger, especially if you have a parent suffering from dementia, Alzheimer's disease, or physical impairments. Find someone to talk to, write it out (hello!), sing it out, and cry it out.

4. Know your limits. You cannot do everything yourself. There may (and may not) come a point in time when you need to consider either in home care or a nursing facility. Even your parent would agree that you need to take care of yourself and your family first. You cannot spread yourself so thin that you're not taking the time you need to keep yourself well. Or you start neglecting your spouse or children. Maybe it's possible to share the responsibilities with your siblings. If it is, do it! I have heard stories of this working out wonderfully. Your parent(s) get to visit all the kids and grandkids (great-grandkids?) all year round and you get a break part of the year. But don't take on more than your lifestyle can handle. Everyone will suffer for it.

5. Don't hit old people. Don't steal their money. No mental, psychological, or sexual abuse either. It does happen. Report people who do it, even if you like them.

6. Money. No one wants to feel like they are taking advantage of their parent(s). The fact is, it can be expensive taking on the care of a loved one. Have a talk about what (if any) financial contribution is going to be given if your parent is moving in with you. Helping out with groceries? Helping out with rent? Only responsible for their own expenses? It's not an unreasonable request. What is unreasonable is asking you to foot the bill for every single thing. You may have the best of hearts, but your pockets are only so deep. 

7. The official stuff. It's a good idea to take care of the official paperwork as soon as you can. Pick a responsible sibling (sorry only children) and start the ball rolling on Power of Attorney (financial and durable), Do not Resuscitate, Living Will, official Will, any Trusts, properties, stocks, bonds... Some of these things will need to be notarized and a Notary will not sign them once it is obvious that a person is not capable of signing for themselves. It does not matter if you have their best interests at heart. It's the law.

8. Create a support system. It takes a village to raise a family, right? Well it also takes one to care for your parents. The village will be there at the beginning of your life and at the end. Never feel like you are alone. Whether you are dealing with Alzheimer's disease, physical disabilities, a long list of medications, incontinence, diabetes, AS, MS, or a host of other ailments, there are many other people out there going through similar situations. And they are willing to share stories and advice with you. So take notes.

9. Be prepared for the role reversal. As your parent ages things are going to change. They are not going to be as capable of doing the things they were once able to do. There will come a point in time you will have to take the car keys away, set up a safer way to take showers/baths, monitor meals and snacks, make sure medications are being taken, keep activities going (mental and physical), keep all doctor appointments, and a slew of other things that come with increasing age. 

10. Did you keep your sense of humor? 

How to Survive the Great Television Famine

What do you do when your mother in law's television goes out? No, seriously... If anyone knows, please let a girl in on the secret because I am out of ideas as to how to survive this one. My MIL's tv went out this week. Normally I don't think it would be that big of a deal, but like everything else in our house, this is not a normal situation.

We have three other tv's in our house that I suppose we could replace hers with. But my son's tv is much too small to work. My MIL has cataracts and she would never be able to see what the actors were doing. We have a tv in our room, but that is our little sanctuary and I am not particularly willing to give that up just yet. But just possibly pretty soon...

Turns out that my MIL cannot possibly fall asleep without the lulling drone of whatever true crime show, CSI, Law and Order or home jewelry shopping network she has stumbled upon. So she has taken up camp on my living room couch. She eats, sleeps and takes all her meds there. And has for a week now.

In exchange for living in our, well, living space, she has decided to "help" with the household chores. I have been sequestered in my office for the better part of the week working, and unbeknownst to me my MIL was finishing up some laundry for me. This may sound like a wonderful thing to do, but it's not. Let me explain. I hate when other people touch my underwear. Call me weird, but it's a pet peeve of mine. So now here I am with my MIL uncovering my Victoria's Secret, and thinking they belong to my 13 year old, not to mention folding my jeans (jean shorts included) so that I have a big ol' crease going down the front of my thighs. Who does that? Not to mention that I have to go through all of the clothes and resort everything - they are all mixed up.

The most recent catastrophe with the laundry had to do with a load of whites. My MIL had washed and folded a load of whites and left them on the ottoman. I know because she showed them to me (she shows me what she accomplishes for the day). The next morning one of my daughters took a shower and needed clean undies. They were gone. Vanished. She found a pair in an overnight bag she had previously packed to spend the night at a friend's, but we never found the load of whites. Today I asked her about them and she said that maybe they got put away. Nope. No one in the house put them away. Then she said that they were still in the wash. What? I reminded her that she had washed them. So then she said that they must still be in the dryer. Nope. Even if, by the off chance someone had put them back in the dryer because they were too lazy to put them away, I went and looked. Nothing in there but a set of clothes that actually belong to my MIL. Imagine that.

So where did they go? I have no idea. No one does. They are still MIA.

I took all the clothes I could find - which were spread from kitchen table to living room couch - and took them downstairs.

How do survive a television famine? I have no idea. Aside from the sheer inconvenience of it, it is hard on my MIL, too. Because she is camping out in my living room she is having to live by our schedule. We are up by 6 am and not really in bed till about 11 pm. Later on weekends. Therefore my MIL is too. She has been living this schedule all week. Today she is exhausted and is barely able to stay awake.

We have arrangements to get her a new tv in about another week, but I guess until then we all have to just suck it up. It is certainly a new one for us all.

How to Survive Christmas Candy Cravings

There are three times a year in which in we buy sweets and have them around the house in abundance: Easter, Halloween and Christmas. For the most part, my family doesn't really eat that many sweets so the Easter candy lasts us till Halloween and the Halloween candy lasts till Christmas. But for some reason, the Christmas candy never seems to last that long.

I don't know if it's the jolly red, green and gold wrappers or the difference in the types of candy we buy, but whatever it is it always throws my diabetic mother-in-law into a feeding frenzy. I kid you not when I say that I have gone to the store three times already to replenish the candy supply. And each time it has been on her dime. I know what you're thinking. Why do you continue to buy the candy if she is just going to keep eating it?

Well, I guess after her 72 years on this planet we somehow keep expecting her to come up with some sense of restraint. I know, fool me once and all that. Clearly after living with the woman for ten years I have proved that I am the fool. Hand over the dunce cap.

The truth is, we do say no. And we give her a hard time about her chocoholism, but there is no support group for it. No 12 steps. And have you ever lived with a woman going through chocolate withdrawals? It isn't pretty. I think it is somehow easier to give in than to stand up to her. So we buy more Hershey's kisses, York Peppermint Patties and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

On my third trip to the store to feed her habit, she asked me if I thought maybe this stash might last till Santa's midnight run. I laughed and said there was no way. I thought it was a joke. Turns out she was serious. And turns out I was right.

Here I am, three days till Christmas, and I have a candy tin full of exactly nine Hershey kisses. Guess I'm going shopping again.

Ho Ho Ho

How to Survive Going Back to School

10 Back to School Rules for your Mother in Law:

1) Waking up early to tell the kids how to dress for the day does not help because:
     a) I gave them a head's up the night before and first thing this morning as to the day's weather   events.
     b) the local news is on for their own edification.
     c) no  matter how they dress, the inside of their schools have a separate climate all their own.

2) Waking up early to tell me what errands you need me to run also does not help. I'm a little busy right now.

3) The following routine is to be used when the children return home from school (and has been in use for the last several years). Please do not encourage children to deviate in the event I am not available.
 
      Home then snack then homework then chores then free time.

4) Speaking of snacks, cookies are not an appropriate "healthy" option for an everyday after school snack. Neither are Twinkies, Ding Dongs. Ho Ho's, brownies, candy or anything else you have hoarded to satisfy your sweet tooth. No, not even if you pair it with milk.

5) Unfortunately you are no longer qualified to help the children with their math homework. This is not because you don't know the answer, this is because they are required, and I shit you not, to produce the answer via a four-step process:
     a) First rewrite the question
     b) Second make a drawing or illustration to help you solve the equation
     c) Solve the equation
     d) Finally, write a sentence explaining how you arrived at your answer
Science has a special process as well. There are also overly complicated steps for answering questions after reading a passage in language arts. So please, do not help the children with their homework - you can no longer keep up with the requirements.

6) Homework must be complete before the children get free time. See rule #3.

7) I have never let the kids go to bed with out telling you good night and I'm not going to start now. Just because it gets quiet in the house and all the children are in their bedrooms, does not mean that they have gone to bed without saying goodnight. I promise. Quit being so paranoid.

8) However, bedtime means bedtime. It's not social hour. If you wanted to have that five hour long conversation with them, you should have had it earlier.

9) No cookies right before bedtime!

10) I know how to dress the children for bed and I already know how to tell the kids to dress in the morning, but thank you for your concern.

How to Survive Date Night

As a married couple, my husband and I enjoy the occasional night out together; sans children. Which means leaving them home alone with their grandmother, AKA mother-in-law (MIL). Truthfully, they are at an age where they can stay home alone for short periods of time without parental guidance, but my MIL is (as always) of a differing opinion. It's a moot point though, considering she has lived with us for the past ten years.

Day or night, she feels that she is the best person for the job when it comes to "babysitting" my teenager and two preteens. I'm not really sure how much "sitting" actually goes on when all they really do is lie around playing video games, watching tv and rotting their brains with mindless YouTube videos. But, if it makes her feel better, then so be it.

What doesn't sit well with me, however, is the incredibly detailed report that I get upon returning home. I tell you what, if you ever need a tattletale, look no further than my MIL. She can't remember what we had for dinner last night, but she can remember that at exactly 9:03 pm, my son and daughter got it into a fight over the remote control for the tv. Or that my other daughter was sliding down the stairs. Or that the cat knocked down one of my picture frames. Or that she decided nachos were a suitable supper despite the plethora of leftovers in the fridge.

Feeling needed gives my MIL's life meaning and purpose. And even though it drives me batty to hear every single thing that happened while I was trying to enjoy my date, it makes her feel like she did a good job watching the kids be kids. And I have to remember to take a step back and remember that. Every. Single. Time.

Being a mom is so ingrained in her nature that she can't help herself. Before we even leave the house for drinks or dinner or a movie, we always get one of the same standard responses from her:

"Don't stay out too late."

"Be careful."

"Don't drink too much."

I know these are nothing more than "mom-isms", but I can't help but laugh when she says them. Here we are, full grown adults, having to take care of my husband's mother, and she's telling us what to do. It's pretty funny when you think about it. I'm having to make sure she's eating right, taking her medication, monitoring her blood sugar and blood pressure, sleeping well, getting some exercise, being social, hydrating, making her doctor appointments, shopping for her and sometimes even cleaning up after her and still the mom in her comes out.

"Yes, ma'am. We'll be good." 

It just goes to show that once a mom, always a mom. Even if you get a point in your life in which you are going to have to rely on others for help, moms are inevitably going to try to look after you. So there's no fighting it, I suppose. And it seems to make her happy to think that she's doing us a favor by reporting all things suspicious when we go out. Yes, it's kind of a pain, And yes, there are times I'd rather not hear the "Bad Report" but it's not really for me, is it? It's for her. And all she's doing is looking after the ones she loves.

How to Survive Pets

Pets are a lot of fun and they bring a lot of joy and laughter into your life. But they also take hard work, dedication, patience and training. You know what else takes all of those things when you have pets? Your mother in law.

We have three types of pets in our household. The first ones we got were of pair of parakeets that belong to my son. Literally. He saved up his money and bought them all by himself. The second is a long haired chihuahua that belongs to me. And don't start ragging me about chihuahuas. Sancho is the coolest dog you'll ever meet. He's just a lovable lap dog; not yappy at all. The third is my daughter's cat, Pepper. Same drill as my son's, it is her pet that she picked out.

One day we noticed that the dog had a habit of following my mother in law (MIL) into her bedroom when she went in there with a snack and sitting right next to her at the dinner table (which is strictly verboten). Turns out, he was training her to give him snackies while she was eating and she, being unable to resist his puppy eyes, politely obliged. He was being fed all sorts of tasty human food like cheese, lunch meat, crackers, nuts, chips, bread and the list goes on. So we had to re-train the dog not to go in grandma's room while she's eating and we had to train my MIL not to feed the dog people food. It'll still come up in polite conversation from time to time how much Sancho used to love Limon chips or how much Sancho loved his ham lunch meat.

The cat... Now the cat is an entirely different issue. Pepper is an inside kitty. Preferably. Here the problem lies in the turtle-like reflexes of my MIL compared to the, well, the cat-like reflexes of the cat. My MIL smokes. In order to smoke you have to exit my domicile. The cat has learned that my MIL is slower than molasses in December and has learned to dart out the front door while she takes her five minutes opening and closing it behind her. This is nothing new, yet it seems to surprise my MIL every single time. And she yells after Pepper like the cat is going to suddenly listen and be like, "Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." I even placed a spray bottle full of water by the front door for my MIL to threaten the cat with in order to get out safely and without fear of losing one of our animals. But I suppose she forgets it's there. Every single time. I told my husband I'm going to tie it around my MIL's waist pretty soon because I'm tired of crawling under the car and dragging the cat out.

The birds? Well there's not much to the birds really, except that she feels the need to do my son's job for him. My MIL will feed and water the birds on occasion. I am not one of those parents who allows my children to have pets and then does all the pet chores for them. Oh, no! My kids are responsible for their own animals. So when my MIL feels the need to fill the cat's dish three times a day and gives the birds fresh food every night, it's not just because she's over feeding them, it's also because it does nothing to teach my kids to responsible for another living thing.

At least she's doing a pretty good job of keeping the critters alive. Now if only I could tell the difference of when she's talking to the dog and when she's talking to me? We'd be golden. Because it's pretty embarrassing to be answering questions meant for a dog...

How to Survive Adult Illnesses

I am prone to migraines and just "I feel really crappy" days. It sucks, but it's a fact of life around here. The kids have learned to tip-toe around me when I am in my migraine cave (AKA my bedroom) and when I finally crawl to the couch to finish out my sentence, they still know to pretty much leave me the hell alone. When I'm having a painful day (due to the residuals of my stroke) they have learned to take care of the homestead. So why is it my mother-in-law (MIL) can't seem to get into the groove with the rest of my family?

When I am feeling less then my perfect self, my MIL feels the need to fill in the gaps. Which would be sweet, if it didn't create a bigger mess in the process. We have learned over the years to keep fast and ready foods on hand for just such a situation. But for some reason that isn't good for my MIL, who I know has all the best intentions at heart.

When I'm sick, she feels the need to start going through the cupboards and constructing overly complicated meals for the kids. And it always consists of things that she finds delicious, like canned asparagus, SOS, pork chop gravy, goulash and lemon-pepper fish. No offense to the fans. But the kids just aren't big on the cuisine. They'd prefer the hot dogs, tuna sandwiches, ramen noodles, eggs and pancakes, or leftovers that we provided for just such an emergency. Not to mention that I have taught all the children a thing or two in the kitchen, so, in short, they will survive.

And then there's the clean-up. I still have to deal with the ever-soaking dishes in my sink, grease on my stove and crumbs on my counter that no one seems to want to actually clean up. So, generally speaking, sick as I am, I get KP duty. Speaking of which, I have recently put foot my down and insisted on rinsing and stacking and using the dishwasher every night. And it has been AWESOME!

Now I ask you, why can't I take a nap on my couch? Heaven forbid I fall asleep because then my MIL will inevitably walk in and ask me if I am asleep. Nope, Not a wink apparently. And I'm not kidding, Every. Single. Time. Why don't I just sleep in my bed, you ask? Out of stubbornness. I refuse to be relegated to my bedroom when I was in the living the whole damn time. I won't have been interrupted for hours. Not until I fall asleep. It's not until I finally hit that comfy snooze-y place that I hear the creak of her bedroom door and footsteps in the hall and the back of the couch shifting with her weight. Whether or not she needs it for support or she's fighting the urge to lay a hand on my forehead, I'm not sure. But then come those magic words:

"Are you sleeping?"

My eyes pop open and a million terrible, sarcastic, rude, grumpy (and somehow entirely appropriate) responses run through my addled brain. But what do I say instead?

"Nope. Just resting for a sec."

I'm such a sucker.

I think when I 'm sick, whether it be migraine, fever, cold or just a bad day, I end up giving my MIL a project for the short term. She loves nothing better than someone to take care of and I get to be that person. I always let her, too, with an eerie calm I never knew I possessed, because I am not the kind of person who likes to be taken care of. In fact, for the most part, I want nothing better than to be left alone.

When I had my stroke in 2010, I had to admit that I needed help. At first it was with my daily activities; showering, eating, walking and even talking. But I recovered pretty well because I was so young, but everyone else's need to care for me never left. And to tell the truth, there are still a lot of things I still need, but I rely solely on my husband for that. Things like being my advocate and driving me around when I can't.

So I understand this "need to care for Laura" syndrome, but I don't always want it. For example, asking me how I'm feeling 10 times day, every day, does not make me feel better. It just makes me examine how I'm feeling 10 times a day. Trying to force chicken broth on me will not make me feel any better. In fact, plain chicken broth is kind of gross and I don't know how anyone can drink that stuff. I don't want you helping me out by doing my laundry because I'm kind of picky about what gets folded and what gets hung up. And I don't want anyone touching my panties but me. That's just weird.

And the closer you get to me when I am actually sick, the higher your chances are that you will catch what I've got. I make the kids avoid my MIL like she's the one with the plague when they're sick in order to keep her healthy, especially during flu season. She is, after all, not in the best of health on her good days. I, however, being the MOM don't get that luxury and sometimes I do actually catch what the kids are passing around. But what does my MIL do when I'm sick? Hover around me like I'm the latest freak at the circus.

The last time I had a sore throat, she made tuna sandwiches for the kids. Correction, I started to make tuna sandwiches and then my MIL wanted to help make dinner so I let her. But she asked me for help every step of the way. What ingredients go in it? Is it thick enough? Thin enough? Salty enough? Dill enough? Will I taste it? I tried to get a clean fork to taste with, but she insisted I use hers. I told her not to eat after me because I was sick (I thought that was a mute point because my coughing and raspy voice surely showed it). But what did she do? She ate off the same damn fork! And sure as shit, a few days later she started complaining about a sore throat.

It's okay, though. She blamed it on the kids.

And now it's my duty to ask her, everyday, "How are you feeling?"