How to Survive Going Back to School

10 Back to School Rules for your Mother in Law:

1) Waking up early to tell the kids how to dress for the day does not help because:
     a) I gave them a head's up the night before and first thing this morning as to the day's weather   events.
     b) the local news is on for their own edification.
     c) no  matter how they dress, the inside of their schools have a separate climate all their own.

2) Waking up early to tell me what errands you need me to run also does not help. I'm a little busy right now.

3) The following routine is to be used when the children return home from school (and has been in use for the last several years). Please do not encourage children to deviate in the event I am not available.
 
      Home then snack then homework then chores then free time.

4) Speaking of snacks, cookies are not an appropriate "healthy" option for an everyday after school snack. Neither are Twinkies, Ding Dongs. Ho Ho's, brownies, candy or anything else you have hoarded to satisfy your sweet tooth. No, not even if you pair it with milk.

5) Unfortunately you are no longer qualified to help the children with their math homework. This is not because you don't know the answer, this is because they are required, and I shit you not, to produce the answer via a four-step process:
     a) First rewrite the question
     b) Second make a drawing or illustration to help you solve the equation
     c) Solve the equation
     d) Finally, write a sentence explaining how you arrived at your answer
Science has a special process as well. There are also overly complicated steps for answering questions after reading a passage in language arts. So please, do not help the children with their homework - you can no longer keep up with the requirements.

6) Homework must be complete before the children get free time. See rule #3.

7) I have never let the kids go to bed with out telling you good night and I'm not going to start now. Just because it gets quiet in the house and all the children are in their bedrooms, does not mean that they have gone to bed without saying goodnight. I promise. Quit being so paranoid.

8) However, bedtime means bedtime. It's not social hour. If you wanted to have that five hour long conversation with them, you should have had it earlier.

9) No cookies right before bedtime!

10) I know how to dress the children for bed and I already know how to tell the kids to dress in the morning, but thank you for your concern.